Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Nothing's Ever Promised Tomorrow Today


Last week was one of those week's that at the moment seems like total fucking chaos and in retrospect seems totally par for the course in life...For starters, my friend, Hilary, who studied Arabic with me at Columbia, came to visit during her spring break. Despite the fact that I was constantly in class or studying, a good time was enjoyed by all, I think: she got to see the pyramids, I didn't have to go with her and we both got mani/pedi's and spent the weekend at sprawled on the sunny beach at Ain Sukhna.

When I came back, it was to the terrible news that an old colleague/friend from my MIT days had died quite suddenly. Even worse, people speculate that it may have been a suicide. He was one of the most brilliant people I knew around the 'tute, and even more importantly, one of those warm, funny, kind people who makes everyone around him feel like a welcome friend. I know it's an exercise in futility to try to understand why, but I don't know what else to do with all the feelings of shock, confusion and sadness that have been bouncing around in my head the past few days.

Meanwhile, friends have turned a year older, siblings have celebrated wedding anniversaries, and 6 month old baby portraits have been delivered to my inbox, so I find myself this week whacking out the oddest whirlwind of email condolences, congratulations, cooing and confusion...

At the same time, the pressure of what comes next after May is starting to weigh even more heavily on my shoulders. What seemed so clear to me back in January, feels a million miles away, and even worse, I find myself unexpectedly and quite inexplicably unprepared to leave Cairo just yet. All the important pieces of my life seem to lay scattered around me, all within reach, but I can't seem to put them in some sort of order that makes sense. I think part of me is tired of running, but I'm not sure what it is exactly (or maybe I'm just afraid to admit to myself what it is) that I'm staying for either.

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